We decided to ride the Amado to Arivaca (link) road in place of the mountain for a change. I grabbed my Dad's truck (the inside of which always smells like ketchup, I don't think he eats ketchup per se but all his vehicles smell like ketchup...strange) picked up Collier, Dan, the bikes and gas and we were on the road before 6. Arrive in Amado (which appears to be 100% deserted like an apocalyptic dream) and park across from the (they claim) world famous Longhorn Grill. Unloading the bikes we find a bulge in Collier's back tire. Immediately after (coincidence? I think not) a car of Jehovah's witnesses screech to a stop in front of us and they make the 15 year old kid in the tie offer us 'maybe something to read later'. After a quick agnostic roundhouse kick they left.
With all the practice we have had in the last few bike rides, the tube is swapped out in short order. Leaving it fully inflated we go off to gear up but then suddenly hear what must be a gunshot. Obviously the JWs are back and they are pissed. After I got Collier to quit crying (ok not really but I think he was crying on the inside) we figured out that the tire had popped and the echo off the buildings was responsible for scaring the bejeezus out of me.
More tire work.
Repeat.
Change tubes and tires.
Explosion.
Watching creepy people driving by with bass boats and (I'm assuming) dark motives along with a few Border Patrol vehicles we eventually just gave up and decided to go for breakfast at the Longhorn Grill. In front of the Longhorn Grill was a prison transport bus with a broken something that forced the guards to get out and scratch their heads. The restaurant was closed so we declared the entire adventure a bust. I am sure that the ride and breakfast were near misses in that we would surely have died along the way. I am making a movie about the prison bus.
We would have required a hot female to make a solid group of 4. Think American Flyers meets Speed. One guy is the disgraced champion kicked out of cycling not for using illegal drugs but actually having robotic legs replace his own. Cut to the evil scientist (probably Christian Bale cause cycling is pretty Euro and he has sinister teeth) making him the faustian deal in the past, you can tell its the past cause the light is sort of washed out and everyone has funny haircuts. He will sacrifice himself at some point to get redemption, maybe just lose the legs all together. During the closing credits maybe he becomes world champ wheelchair racer as Peter Cetera (like a knight in shining armor....) plays in the background.
One guy is the wise cracking former track star (ie black and because this is Hollywood sure to not get the girl and die...sorry Collier) who as a punishment for his practical joke (something involve icy hot and jockstraps or spiking an oppoents water cooler with Viagra maybe) is assigned to the cycling team of misfits and ne'er do wells. He will be the first to die when we first learn how B-A-D (and we'll thrown in racist to make him reeaaaalllly B-A-D) Christina Bale in fact is.
The hero is the guy with all the potential but no killer instinct who can never win the big one. We know several things about him: 1) he will talk like Keanu Reeves 2) he will get the girl in the end (hmm...that sounds bad) and 3) he will very obviously save the day by riding his bicycle in some way that is impossible (maybe backward at 30 mph or something?). Cut to him trying the impossible thing in the past (que lighting and funny hair) and failing and Michael Caine as his cycling coach (who is probably Christian Bale's dad) saying something profound and cliche along the lines of 'winners don't ride backwards, winners win who don't lose to losers who ride backwards" or some other nonsense.
The girl has ALOT of curves and VERY tight fitting clothes that will be quickly ripped and indecent. I'll be casting Rosario Dawson and Scarlett Johansen in these roles for no real reason other than this is my movie and I respect their work.....or something. Despite being 5'1 and 105 lbs. she will at some point kick the snot out of a couple of 300 lb Samoan guys.
Billy Bob Thornton will reprise his creepy mechanic role from the movie U-Turn as the grease monkey sidekick who fixes up the bikes to go insanely fast or make eggs or whatever.
There are several chase scenes through the mountains, possibly jumping off of things and something along the lines of a Deadman's Curve that no one has ever made it past. The hero will have to eventually catch the bus, climb on, get dragged, jump in and finally save the girl. The bus will obviously blow up at some point and he'll escape with her riding on his handlebars (thats the movie poster btw) to safety.
This is a pretty good movie but it will need some karate/ninja to make it perfect.
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