Friday, May 20, 2005

Eurovision 2005 - SemiFinals

I thought alot about what Chuck Klosterman said about (I am paraphrasing) pretending to like things ironically that you really just in fact like. I am not 100% convinced that I like this phenomenon solely ironically and that really concerns me. Objectively, I don't like live performances, hate dancing, really hate most popular music and have a loathing for ESL singers. Shakira as always gets a pass.

To let you share the joy of the Eurovision song contest I decided to keep a running commentary Simmons style to make you feel like you were there. The Eurovision people did the same thing at their site. Don't expect much from the site, its written about like a review of a high-school talent show by somebody's supportive Mom.

The thing that is just wiping me out this morning is the contrast between the notes I took and what Eurovision mom lady thought. I honestly wrote mine before I read those and now I can not stop laughing. I am not sure I can focus on TPS reports today.

So the deal was that there were 25 songs, each 3 minutes. I can't say I watched every second as Tina had me hanging streamers and blowing up balloons (light-headedness may have caused some of the incoherent notes I took) but I did check out each act for at least a minute or so. Of the 25, 10 advance to join some others in the finals. I think the others got in by finishing strongly last year.

1 - Austria - Band all in Ross track suits, accordian player, awkward translation (I'll stop mentioning that because it comes up alot), lame dancing by unbearably white people and of course yodeling.

2 - Lithuania - Possible transvestite lead singer in a leathers Christina Aguilera outfit, prostitute backup singer/dancers. I'll leave off the criticsm of choreography not because I know nothing about it (is it possible to know less than nothing about something?) but because it was universally awkward and seemed poorly rehearsed. I am too used to the ridiculously polished American versions.

3 - Portugal- Smokin hot backup dancers wearing fur blouses and thongs, the mics seemed not to be on for most of song, the dueters were focusing on choreo and forgot to sing for significant portions of the act.

4 - Moldavia- Sort of a pop version of Faith No More, at least it was rocky and interesting with horns and some kind of flute/pipe thing that made it unique, the lead singer wore a drum the size of a pony for the first 1/3 of the song, smiling old lady in the back in a rocking chair, guy rocking out on a tiny pan pipe. Toward the end he introduces ' My grandmama' She is about 4' tall and gets up to dance and play a drum and cymbal combo. Age= 70ish. I legitimately, un-ironically enjoyed this song.

5 - Latvia - Think Extreme, 2 young guys on a chairs w/ acoustic guitars (not playing just doing the strum, clump, strum, clump thing for a while) singing a top 40 ballad. After the bridge, they jump off the chair to very not rocking music jumping around like rock stars. The total killer, over the top was when they broke out poorly timed sign language for the chorus. These guys made the final which further proves I don't understand this game at all.

6 - Monaco - in French, good singer and kinda hot. French sounds nice being sung. Much better than spoken. The musics was ballad and flute with a huge Ed Grimely triangle finale.

7 - Israel - All I wrote here was hot Hebrew chick. I also recall that Hebrew sounds awful sung and she switched to English halfway through and it wasn't bad.

8 - Belaurs - For laughs, this one rocked the hardest. 3 mail backup dancers dressed as Siegfried and Roy with huge poofy collars. The singer lady had 3 layers of clothes on that the lion tamers (there is a vague pun there I'll skip for now) would strip off her at key moments. Tina's description was: Gold lamé cape, blue prom dress w/ gold trim, skin tight gold ice-skater outfit.

9 - Netherlands - First appearance by a non-white. Singing what I think is a Whitney Houston song.

10 - Iceland - No notes here except that she was wearing a jumpsuit that ended in shorts which is jarring to look at. They also made strange Vogue-y hand motions that made me think they were casting spells or something.

11 - Belgium - Classic little euro dude w/ a razor thing goatee.

12 - Estonia - 5 girls. Each with a fake turntable that they pretended to spin, translated some of this online I think, I know I said no commenting on the choreography but the dancing was so bad. Several times 1 girl would start doing a flippy arm thing....look down the row and see it was time for a different thing and then have to switch. Hilarious. This is the song that I woke with in my head, I might end up like the guy in Pi by lunch.

13 - Norway - Glam Rock, nuff said

14 - Rumania - Bella Karoli went all out training for this one. Steel drums ...not like that....like as in oil drums. They were played as drums, strapped to guys feet and being sawed in half for sound effects. She is wearing jeans and doesn't seem very dressed up as if she didn't know she would be on TV tonight.

15 - Hungary - Irish dancers???? The singer is Jennifer Garner so there must be some kind of mission going on. Singing in Hungarian sounds like she is cursing us all to hell.

16 - Finland - Robbie Williams. If you don't know who Robbie Williams is it just means you are an American and not missing out on a thing. Slow dance for the backup singers, which wasn't exactly dancing just a change of position in line occasionally.

17 - FYR Macedonia - Goofy white guy. If someone threatened to blowup my hometown unless I trained for 6 months, got on a stage and performed, try as I might, I would end up dancing exactly like this guy. Its that bad. Fortunately, no one notices because of the 3 hot dancers wearing dresses so short its a constant upskirt shot. Big finale, the guy goes over to 6 giant drums and beats hell out of them to no appreciable rhythm. This total picture is what I fear I would be like on cocaine.

18 - Andorra: This also might be a guy. Singing in what might be Spanish. BTW, I am pretty good with geography but where the F is Andorra? First one I had to check on a map. The singers are dressed as birds.

19 - Switzerland - Vanilla Ninja is best band name so far. I checked, its not plural and its not 'the' Vanilla Ninja. Its Vanilla Ninja as a concept and will be my new online persona. They were a rock band. All girls, all leather, all white and not terrible.

20 - Croatia - Luca from ER singing in Croatian. The best is a crazed kettle drum maniac flailing around making an awful racket. 3 gypsy belly dancers which I loved. Didn't know Croatian bag pipes even existed, near the end the kettle drummer goes handstand and claps feet, this is my top vote after the drumming Granny.

21 - Bulgaria - White R&B guy w/a 12 piece rock band. Song was a slow jam...so gay. Think 'Color Me Badd' in badly accented English.

22 - Ireland - Duet of 15 year olds. The guy is so red headed to be a stereotype. She has awful teeth. His mic is either off or he is just humming. Inevitable Irish dancing at the end.

23 - Slovenia - Just a little euro guy singing to recorded music.

24 - Denmark - Very Danish looking guys doing a boy band parody, but they are 50 years old. I think its not a parody. Wow.

25 - Poland - Saturday Night Fever outfits, gypsy dancers, everyone in white and pink silk, singing in Polish, hottest accordion player ever.

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